'Power of Mind' by Rashmi

Friday, May 28, 2010

Extra Marital Relationship-Is It Really Extra?

EXTRA MARITAL RELATIONSHIP-the word EXTRA attached to MARITAL RELATIONSHIP has played havoc in the past and is still doing so.We accept extra- "a little more" in everything in fact we want a little more for everything except in a marital relationship!A LITTLE EXTRA FLAVOR IS WELCOMED IN EVERYTHING GOING EXCEPT MARRIAGE!I BUT LET US STOP AND THINK-IS IT REALLY AND ACTUALLY EXTRA OR WE JUST KEEP ON IGNORING FOR OUR CONVENIENCES MAKING IT "EXTRA"!

The entire Universe is entangled or rather entwined into many unsolved questions.A flower when blooms is assured of its destiny i.e. it will bloom,intoxicate and finally meet its inevitable doom, it does not know that its fate is not so simple-before meeting its final doom,it journeys up and down the scale of "destiny"only to be plucked and embellish different occasions-from marriage to death-from temple to graveyard....

A woman when born is declared to grow up and take care of her entire family in the purest way.She is assumed as an epitome of piety,especially in India! But those who have designated this role for her have never ever thought of "the same line of living for themselves"! It the woman who has to shoulder the burden of piety to keep the society free of dirt and germs spreading like an epidemic-men go scot- free!

I have pointed towards a burning topic "Extra Marital Relationships" -Is it justified or not? And if it is there,shouldn't both parties come clean with it to give a "cleaner image"! Why does it happen after all? And if it happens, why do people hide it from their spouses? Why people are so hypocritic in accepting this fact that parallel relationships or  love encounters exist or happen...

So many questions are related to this serious topic that I too sometimes get confused but after working on this topic and coming close to many couples,I realized that it is not only men who are cheating their wives ,IF AT ALL YOU CALL IT CHEATING!,The wives too are straying BUT has anyone wondered why or whether "the straying" factor is a new trend or has it been always there but under wraps and the "recent boldness" to come clean in relationships has made people to turn their heads and give it a serious thought!

If we look back or go down the pages of history, we can learn something interesting from Jayadeva's "GeetGovinda".Radha was married and elder to Lord Krishna but still both of them shared a magical relationship and are worshipped by the entire Human Race.No one knows what became of Radha After Krishna left her-how she fend for herself.Did She have to undergo severe trials of the society as woman is always punished for such deeds or was she then too ,worshipped the way we worship her now? Nothing much is written or found in historical books or inscriptions about this.The only thing which we the Historians ,have relished is their period of love-no one tried to dive into Radha's heart!Like all broken relationship here too "waves of tears and sorrows must have been involved". The Historians actually never tried to look into this aspect of LOVE or extra marital relationship which blossomed wildly and widely,the perfume of which would keep on intoxicating the generations to come!

Lord Krishna's love for Radha is well known but did he ever think how she would have  survived after he left her...The only thing which is appreciable THAT HE DID NOT HIDE HIS LOVE TO A MARRIED WOMAN FROM THE WORLD AND GAVE HER A STATUS WITH HIM BUT here Krishna was unmarried..I wonder what would have been the situation if  he was married too... but in those days such relationships were was allowed and acceptable.He had thousand queens and so did most of his contemporary rulers and men--Polygamy was an accepted phenomenon! In fact I praise Krishna for pronouncing his profound love for his beloved who was not his wife and giving the relationship a sacred platform But Krishna was God-what would the common human being do in such a situation?

Heart does not think and enter into a relation,it just barges into it without thinking the consequences which can be really be dangerous in today's time.

The children, they say are the worst sufferers in such love triangles or "philandering situations"-BUT I DIFFER-Children always have to leave their parents after a certain age anyhow and if emotional trust is provided to them by either of the parents and counseled to cope the situation in a mature manner,they really come out of everything very quickly an accept as well as adapt themselves to their situations.It is the elders who do not let them accept the situation by inflaming their emotions to take revenge from their spouse!! The party which feels cheated make children their weapons to gain upper hand in such situations-the children are mercilessly dragged into all this.Actually after speaking to many children over this issue, it was shocking that only to give mental support to their parents they became a party in such a tirade-Actually they want an amicable situation either way-In fact to live in a house where parents have abusive relationship or "non-caring attitude" for each other is even  more hated by them.

In most of the talked about divorces we have seen the woman has marched away gloriously with a "fat alimony" leaving the spectators gaping.And have you ever thought that why those straying too, never want a divorce after all-IT IS NOT that they do not want the family or friends to be hurt- but actually it is the comfort zone to which they are so accustomed prevents them from taking any harsh step.So sometimes both the parties we see very conveniently forgive and forget their spouse's mistake(if you think it is) as we have seen in the case of U.S. President Bill Clinton's .

But this doesn't mean that such encounters are going to stop-those who think so are foolish or living in a fool's paradise.The beauty lies in accepting this as another aspect of life and dealing with it in a mature manner.A spouse may force his/her counterpart to detach from a particular relationship but how can she/he determine about probably many other such relationships.

What is required is a proper code of conduct.Relationships are one's own lookout and how one can handle them.It does not mean that I am agreeing to illicit affairs and hooks-I only want to accept people that love can happen anytime and anywhere in life.When such situation arises one has to act tactfully.Separation is not always the solution.No one can give a proper solution or a definite suggestion.The person involved have to themselves adopt a way which can keep everyone happy including him/her. We live few days and those few days too without happiness can make our life a burden for us.Life moves on but happiness does not knock at one's door always-So make everyone happy but do not forget your happiness.


Satyakam said...

U know the best friend and the greatest enemy of humans is the MIND. Mind can make one a saint and other a satan.
T'day, while surfing channels, I came across Lounge, a chat show hosted by Rajat Kapoor on NDTV GOOD TIMES. With respect to marriage he said that it is not important from where they (he meant husband and wife) come but what really important is where they go together.

The Chariot of Marriage can be driven smoothly by the Horses of Marriage-Vows only when the Wheels in the form of Husband and Wife shed their individual desires and agree to move together.

Another aspect of this problem could be increasing materialism.
We have started looking for happiness in material prosperity. The killer instinct has taken the driver's seat and the "human" aspect is somewhere lost (or losing significance, unfortunately). We want what we want by hook or by crook. This "by hook or by crook"- virus is eroding our values. Once the values start depleting then as the saying goes: WEALTH LOST NOTHING LOST, HEALTH LOST SOMETHING LOST, CHARACTER LOST EVERYTHING LOST. Mind do not accept this easily. Whatever we do (morally wrong things), it gives an explanation and kind of, compels us to repeat things again and again just to prove that what we are doing is justified. It becomes a vicious cycle.

U have pointed about the relationship b/w Krishna and Radha. Seen from a temporal level their relationship could be called an Extra marital affair. But their is another very important aspect to this relationship. Before getting into this dicussion I would like to point out something else: the purpose of avatars in different Yugas have been different. Krishna-avatar was to show the world that the only goal of human life is to fulfil their duties on this Mrityulog, at the same time striving hard for reaching the ORIGINAL home possible only through BHAKTI. This bhakti is LOVE in its extreme. Therefore, he chose someone like Radha who, as u have pointed out, was married, older that him and a female.
Thus, the very important aspect of this relationship (or the symbolic representation of this relationship) was that in order to achieve HIM, treat HIM as ones BELOVED.
It is quite possible that Radha might have faced a lot of problems because people might not have understood the sanctity of their relationship but once the divine connection was established nothing else did matter to her.

Coming to sufferings of children in these types of scenario. U said "...Children always have to leave their parents after a certain age anyhow and if emotional trust is provided to them by either of the parents and counseled to cope the situation in a mature manner,they really come out of everything very quickly an accept as well as adapt themselves to their situations..."
But before a child is matured enough to leave their parents, he/she idolize his/her parents (both) and looks upon them for moral and physical support. NOw what type of environment parents give affects their emotional evolution directly. Seeing their parents parting away can be emotionally devastating. As far as counselling is concerned, I feel, parting couples need more than their children.
Of course, many times the losing party use them as weapon(s) against the other.

Nevertheless, how much we discuss and write about this virus... the onus lies on couples to build their relationship on firm pillars of faith and love.
What I have understood about life is; it is an ongoing process of dicovery of the SELF. God has given us the tools: MIND and FREE-WILL and a "beautiful" world to play.
The ball is always in our court!!!

Thanks for being patient... :-)

rashmi singh said...

i agree to some of your points but all relationship after marriage cant be virus-this i disagree.Sometimes "a marriage can become a virus" and a relationship "comforter"!Remember the movie "Amar Prem"this is however a long discussion but thanx 4 going thru my post so patiently and critcising it:)

Satyakam said...

The question is what type of relation we want to keep with others after marriage: just friendship or something which can terminate into an affair.
If former is the case then no problem but if latter is in making then, I feel, it is high-time to ring the alarm.
As the saying goes It takes two to make one!!!
If at all things are not working in a marriage, I feel, the priority should be to sort out the issues at the earliest. It is just like letting a wound bleed without treatment which could become infectious.
This topic is very close to my heart. Therefore, I took the pain to write a comment of 600+ words. Well, as of now I have to wait and watch to see how much I walk the talk!
BTW, it was nice seeing other side of the picture (I mean woman's view) :-)

rashmi singh said...

Its nice to know your faith in the institution of marriage.I am not challenging this faith-what i want to bring across is certain circumstances which humans face in their lives...when Gods erred humans are humans...you still have to come across many complex situations in life.My best wishes are with u:)

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